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Mindfulness, Purpose

Check for “Eww…”

Right now, in this moment, take a look at your calendar.

It’s time for an “Ewww…” check.

It’s simple to do. As you review your entries, check to see if your instinctive first impression is, “Eww…”, in your gut or head or heart.

It’s oh so easy to say yes, and sometimes uncomfortable to say no. We get a lot of rewards for saying yes to the people making requests of us. It can feel quite appealing to our egos to be needed and wanted. “Would you make 50 lemon bars for the bake sale? Yours are the best!”  Or, “You know, we really need your leadership on this initiative.”

When we commit without thinking soberly and seriously about the impact of our yes, we can find ourselves overcommitted. Pause for a moment to consider how you feel when you realize your plate is too full. Resentful? Anxious? Stressed out? Irritable?

Being overcommitted generally doesn’t lead to feelings of peace, ease and satisfaction. When we’re running around like crazy, juggling like mad, we might have some illusory feelings of being important, or even of being a good person.

When we pause and really think about it, though, we generally aren’t the most fun people to be around when we’re rushing about without a moments of peace for ourselves.

Could it be true that you are capable of greater and higher service to others and yourself when you have the courage to reply with a graceful “Thanks for thinking of me, and I have to pass,” than responding with a reflexive “Sure!” that you later regret?

By cultivating the discipline of saying an honest no, your calendar will have far more “Ahh..” than “Eww…”

July 13, 2015/0 Comments/by Jen Wilson
https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png 0 0 Jen Wilson https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png Jen Wilson2015-07-13 15:25:522015-07-13 15:25:52Check for “Eww…”
Change and Transformation, Facing Fear

Black Lives Matter

Black Lives MatterThere’s been a great deal of dialog about this cry for action in our communities. A common response, primarily by white people, is to say, “Yes, but all lives matter.”

I believe that this rejoinder is part of the problem. When anyone responds this way, we yet again shift our focus away from a laser focus on the issue at hand, which is that in our country, the most overlooked and least-protested murders are those of black people.

By saying that black lives matter, no one is saying that other lives don’t. That’s just plain faulty logic. Of course all lives matter, but the reality is that we act as if some lives matter more than others, repeatedly, in our systems of justice, education, economics, housing, and on and on.

Let’s keep our focus on the problem, however uncomfortable we get about it, and not dilute the message or delude ourselves into complacency.

 

June 18, 2015/0 Comments/by Jen Wilson
https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png 0 0 Jen Wilson https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png Jen Wilson2015-06-18 17:59:342015-06-18 17:59:34Black Lives Matter
All

And Then There’s the Human Element…

Rescuing sea turtlesI saw this headline and photo on my Facebook feed this morning:

“The race is on in bid to save sea turtles.”

You may have had a similar reaction to mine: “Aww, that is wonderful. I’m glad people care.”

And then I did something interesting. I re-read the story as a metaphor for people who are cold-stunned. Read more

December 8, 2014/0 Comments/by Jen Wilson
https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png 0 0 Jen Wilson https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png Jen Wilson2014-12-08 13:05:092014-12-08 13:05:09And Then There’s the Human Element…
All

Who Do You Think You Are?

African American man is thinking intenselyIt actually matters quite a bit, this idea of self.  Our beliefs about the separateness of our Self or the connection of Self to everything else in the universe shape how we think, feel, and live each and every moment of the day.

What is the self? Is it different from identify or self-image? Am “I” my physical body? What does the Buddhist concept of no-self mean? Am I alone or inextricably connected?  Who is thinking these thoughts? Read more

November 17, 2014/0 Comments/by Jen Wilson
https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png 0 0 Jen Wilson https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png Jen Wilson2014-11-17 10:25:252014-11-17 10:25:25Who Do You Think You Are?
Facing Fear, Gratitude, Mindfulness

“We Can Do This the Easy Way or the Hard Way…”

This famous movie line sums up the choice I had before me when I realized I was going to need surgery.

It all started back in February when my husband and I made a snap decision to go see the Lake Superior ice caves on our way home from a cross country ski and snowshoe trip to the Porcupine Mountains (okay, really big hills) in northern Michigan. We’d spent three days in a fairyland of sparkling powder, skiing through Christmas-card scenes up and down the mountains. The caves were only an hour and a half away, and we could just make it by sunset.

We walked a mile along the frozen shore in the subzero winds as the sinking sun colored the ice from gold to rose to violet. In the first cave we reached, we stood in wonder, grinning and gaping at the fantastical forms above and around us. I took a step deeper into the cave, and I slipped. “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!” I yelped, cradling my left arm. “Something’s really wrong.” Read more

June 2, 2014/0 Comments/by Jen Wilson
https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png 0 0 Jen Wilson https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png Jen Wilson2014-06-02 19:13:212014-06-02 19:13:21“We Can Do This the Easy Way or the Hard Way…”
Change and Transformation, Facing Fear, Mindfulness

Am I Just Lazy? The Real Reason We Resist Change

Robert_Kegan_1

Bob Kegan teaching Immunity to Change

Last spring, I traveled to Harvard University to study with Dr. Lisa Lahey and Dr.  Robert Kegan. For the past 35 years, they’ve been developing a process for personal, group and organizational transformation called Immunity to Change. What they’ve learned in over three decades of research and field application is that they’re on to something that works. They’ve used this process with individuals who came to them for help and with international corporations on a large scale, and they get results where other approaches have failed.

While I walked from my inn to campus on the first day, I wondered what I would learn that surprise me. I felt that I knew myself pretty well after years of counseling, self-help and personal growth work, and coaching. As I sipped my coffee from a silver urn in the swanky Harvard Faculty Club, a diverse group of people from all over the world started to arrive, hailing from Russia, Australia, South Africa, England, and all over the US. There were ministers and therapists, leaders of industry and graduate students. I was energized by the passionate conversations we had about creating positive change in the world and was glad I came, no matter what the training was going to be like.

I suppose I wondered if the esteemed professors would be, well, aloofly professorial, but not at all.  Bob and Lisa were totally down to earth, warm and engaging, and clearly passionate about their work and their years of professional partnership and friendship. They set a tone of “We’re all learning and practicing and flubbing up together,” so we relaxed and dove in to some amazingly personal and vulnerable work together, experiencing the Immunity to Change process for ourselves before being trained how to guide others through it.

All was going smoothly – no surprises yet – when bam! They revealed the piece of their process that makes it distinctly powerful, picking up where most self-help leaves off and showing what was previously unseen and disconnected.

“Oh…hmmm….well, look at that…didn’t know that was still there…whoa.” That was my reaction when my own immunity to change was revealed. The “Whoa,” was the leverage I needed to finally move past a block I’d had for years, which I actually thought I’d already moved past. Amazing. Read more

December 11, 2013/0 Comments/by Jen Wilson
https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png 0 0 Jen Wilson https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png Jen Wilson2013-12-11 09:32:462013-12-11 09:32:46Am I Just Lazy? The Real Reason We Resist Change
Happiness, Intuition, Mindfulness

Got Expectations?

“Sow an expectation, reap a disappointment.”Skier in the air

This adage confounded me for a long, long time. How can I not have expectations?  For example, if I pay for my groceries, I expect that I will be allowed to take them home. If I’m in a relationship, I expect to be treated with kindness and not be abused. These seem like reasonable, even healthy, expectations.

It finally dawned on me one day that I was confusing standards with expectations. The clear, hard light of reality shone through this word and revealed it to be illusory, a dream. Aha!  If I expect things to go a certain way, then when they don’t, I will surely be disappointed. Yet another way that I create my own suffering, again and again.

I’d like to say that I came to this realization years ago and have been so much more peaceful ever since, but I’ve only had hold of it for a few weeks. It took the process of selling two homes and buying one to open my mind to the truth about expectations. Almost nothing met my expectations. Read more

August 1, 2013/0 Comments/by Jen Wilson
https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png 0 0 Jen Wilson https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png Jen Wilson2013-08-01 15:22:092013-08-01 15:22:09Got Expectations?
Facing Fear, Intuition, Mindfulness

Walking Into the Unknown

We can't always see around the next corner

We can’t always see around the next corner

“I really want to go back to grad school this year.  I’m going to do it!”

“I wonder what it will be like?”

“Do I even remember how to write a research paper?”

“Will everyone be younger and smarter than me?”

“I have no idea how I’ll keep up with work and everything else in life and go to school at the same time.”

“It’s probably more than I can afford anyway. Oh, well.”

If you’ve ever had a version of this internal conversation yourself, then you’re in good company. This is an example of how we let our fear of the unknown cut our dreams off at the pass before we even got on the horse. Our imagination paints pictures about how things would or could or should be, yet it is rarely accurate. Even so, we give it the reins and let it lead us down the same rutted path.

On a recent backpacking trip in the Badlands of North Dakota, we realized we’d been walking for some time without seeing a trail marker. Granted, they were few and far between and usually hidden under brush or grass, but this felt a little too far between. We stopped and debated what to do. Go back? Bushwhack? Get out the map and compass? Go forward? As we looked around, we realized that the small canyon we’d wound our way into looked impassable ahead, and the funny thing was that it looked impassable behind us, where we’d just come from. The way wasn’t obvious or clear in any direction. Read more

June 26, 2013/0 Comments/by Jen Wilson
https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png 0 0 Jen Wilson https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png Jen Wilson2013-06-26 11:59:262013-06-26 11:59:26Walking Into the Unknown
Happiness

What do you do?

Postman delivering mailThis question causes me to stumble and trip over my words more times than I like to admit. I have so many answers, and they’re all true: I coach, facilitate, teach, train, consult, advise, coordinate, manage, lead, design, write.

This morning, this thought popped into my head: “I will do anything I can to help people see things from new perspectives.”

Hearing someone say, “I never thought of it that way,” excites me more than just about anything on the planet. It means there is an opening, a loosening, a letting go of a fixed idea about How Things Should Be or the way we want them to turn out. It means stepping out of certainty and into curiosity and creativity.

So that’s what I get excited about in my work with people and organizations.

I think it’s really important for each of us to redefine what we “do.” Instead of listing our tasks, job titles or functions, what if we stated our guiding principles and passions?

What is your guiding principle? What is the value that you can find in your work, no matter what you do?

For example, if you work at the post office counter, your guiding principle could be, “My goal is to make each person’s day a little brighter and give them a reason to smile.”

Guiding principles transcend the tasks, such as selling stamps or whatever it is you do, and focus on the value or the nature of how we go about our work. When we commit to caring about what we value, we maintain satisfaction in our roles even if the tasks themselves aren’t what we feel called to do in life.

And, we can change the world. There’s a lot of research that shows that just being in proximity to happy people increases your own happiness.

What if everyone you encountered in your day was living according to their guiding principles, values and passions? What if you did? You’d generate happiness and contentment in yourself, and everyone around would benefit.

As the saying goes, it’s not what we do, but how we do it that matters. And we all matter, no matter what we “do.”

April 1, 2013/0 Comments/by Jen Wilson
https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png 0 0 Jen Wilson https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png Jen Wilson2013-04-01 11:25:582013-04-01 11:25:58What do you do?
Facing Fear, Kindness, Purpose

At Least You Have a Cat

I’ve wanted to write an essay with this title for a long time. Since my 20th high school reunion, in fact.

Photo by G. Bathrick

Photo by G. Bathrick

I wasn’t going to go, but I impulsively turned in my registration in a wave of nostalgia and curiosity.

I was fortunate to have a group of girlfriends who made high school bearable, and even fun a good deal of the time. They folded me into a warm embrace of belonging,  unknowingly keeping me standing when  my home life knocked me down. Being in the group insulated me from bullies most of the time and helped me avoid the many pitfalls of teenage life, from skipping school (okay, so Lisa and I snuck out one afternoon…) to drugs and alcohol. We got good grades, played sports, led a variety of clubs, and played in band. The extent of our hooliganism consisted of scamming our teachers for hall passes, pulling sodas out of the soda machine with a yardstick, and tricking our band teacher into letting us out early so we could be first in the lunch line. We had sleepovers, went roller skating, cruised around the square of the nearest big town hoping for something nameless but wonderful to happen. As we took photos on graduation day, arms around each other, I knew for certain that we never would be together again like that. And we never were. Read more

January 22, 2013/0 Comments/by Jen Wilson
https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png 0 0 Jen Wilson https://consultnewleaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/logo-300x100.png Jen Wilson2013-01-22 16:04:362022-04-13 20:24:08At Least You Have a Cat
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Recent Posts

  • Immunity to Change: Brené Brown and Lisa Lahey and You
  • Overcoming Imposter Syndrome: Created On the Outside, Healed On the Inside (Part 3 of 3)
  • Overcoming Imposter Syndrome: Created On the Outside, Healed On the Inside (Part 2 of 3)
  • Overcoming Imposter Syndrome: Created On the Outside, Healed On the Inside (Part 1 of 3)
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